Film Review: Private Lessons

Today is a beautiful day. Not really, it’s raining and it makes me sick tomy stomach to think that somewhere out there is someone getting better head than I’ve got in a lot of years.

Nonetheless, I was rewatching some of my favorite flicks that caused me to tug on my schlong and a good one came up, Private Lessons. You might remember it if you were a horny teen staying up late at night and itching for something to get off to. Fuck, I got off on the idea so much that I didn’t necessarily need to even find the flick or by the time I did, it was only the final 50% to cum.

Anyways, back to the bitch, this flick hit me in a way that nearly no skin-flick ever did. Matter of fact, this was my fucking dream when I was a kid. It’s essentially what every horny teen wants…an adult woman with a thirst to fill and guess what? YOU are the one who get’s to fill her up.

That’s right, statutory rape never looked good on screen until you watched Private Lessons and then, it was everyone’s dream. Didn’t matter if you were 14 or 40, you wanted to be molested by Sylvia Kristel. I mean, for fuck’s sake, check out the picture and tell me you honestly wouldn’t want to shtup that shiksa into oblivion!

So this kid is the son of some rich prick who decides to go off on a “business trip” and leaves his son under the watch of the bumbling limo driver and the sultry French maid (plays the niche so good, I think this might be the film that inspired a fucking line of costumes at every Spencer’s in America!) and, of course, his fucknut fat friend (played by ol’ Ed Begley, Jr.) who wants to totally be in his friend’s place.

So the maid is soon inviting this adorably innocent kid to watch her strip and then kiss and try to take some advantages with him. This kid, played possibly too innocent to be realistic, is unsure at first but as time goes on, he get’s with the program and I didn’t have to keep screaming “BE REAL AND BANG HER!”

And I mean this woman is the epitome of sex. She’s got the legs (ooooh, my fetish) and the tits and the accent and all the reasons why I hate American women.

If you’ve looked up the actress by now, you know she was no stranger to getting stark naked on camera and sometimes, smoking out of her twat. I can’t say this was in the film, ‘cuz it’s not, but it was colorful nonetheless.

Soon we learn that this dream-fuck-of-a-lifetime molestation is a sinister plot by the limo driver to blackmail the kid into making him a millionaire. There’s more to it, but I’m not about to spoil the fucking movie for you, you horny dog, go watch it for yourself!

So after this movie ended, the teenaged me was literally lost in a state of horny attraction for the French maid and for some reason, I was also attracted to the main character, an absolutely adorable guy (he’s older than I am now, so it’s not pedophilic) and I mean, I must have dreamed about this film a thousand times over. Still, took me forever to remember the name of it for the first five years after watching it, when I did though, whew, I think I broke the internet trying to find it.

Private Lessons, literally the best fantasy film ever made! Its got laughs, gasps and lots of Dutch gash!

*****

Plugging My Books Like I Plug Pussy

So, like many people know, I am an author of pornographic literature. Yeah, you heard that right. It can be called erotica, pornography, or smut, whatever you call it, I write it.

I’ve listed the link at the end of the next few awesome lines, it’s my profile on Amazon where you can find my catalog of sexy shots, hot spots, and rigid bean ticklers.

These books will set your kindle on fire, set your sex match on fire, blow up your banging booms, and cause all you naughty assholes to pucker with pleasure!

And yes, despite the fact that I write smut, it doesn’t stop me from being the class-act that everyone knows and loves. I am a bestseller and I know how to drain scrotes with words rather than physical action, though I can do both anyway.

So without further adouche, enjoy my labors!

https://www.amazon.com/Oliver-Clozov/e/B018D1PEIA/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

The Greatest Gift to Man

Hello out there to all my naughty readers and horny fuckups,

I am writing today on the greatest creation that G-d ever decided to slap on the earth and in front of the eyes of mankind. No, it’s not pussy. No, it’s not dick. No, it’s not asshole.

It. Is. LEGS!

Legs are the best part of the woman body. I mean, come on, if a woman doesn’t have a nice pair of legs…is she going to have a sweet gash to hide between them? If a woman’s legs aren’t long and thin or short and defined, is she worth slipping the kosher salami?

I ask you…

This is my tribute to the Almighty Leg. Not just the juicy thighs, not the bony beautiful knees, not the supple calve, and not just the soft and sweet foot…the whole motherfucker…the whole fucking thing that just makes my dick hard thinking about it. Some of the greatest porn stars out there have legs that drive me up the gotdamn wall and make me bite my bottom lip in anger that I can’t reach through the internet or television and grab a full handful of thigh flesh.

Damn, it got hot in this mug.

So many people out there have fetishes for certain areas. Some are tit men, some are tush men, and some are feet men. I’m the definition of a leg man. A woman could be flat chested, droopy assed, sagging cunt, and covered in acne…but if she’s got a pair of ballerina legs that I can hold during the long, good night that is an encounter for me (I last all night and usually all the next day).

I can’t describe how this whole thing started. I could blame the fundie fuckland I grew up in that caused me to only see legs when the girls wore shorts. I could blame the neighbor girl that used to wear no pants no matter how the weather was and let me touch them constantly. I think she may have been a legger herself.

Legger (Leg-gur): someone who maintains or suffers from an sexual obsession with the full leg of either a woman or man or both.

Yeah, I might have just invented that word, but FUCK OFF. I do what I want when I fuckin’ want. Legs make the world go around. Not the buck and not the fuck, the leg transports both.

Long Live Legs!

Oh, and fuck off!

Interview with a Heavy Hitting Hypersexual (Read: NYMPHO)

In this small, but satisfying, interview with a nymphomaniac, we learn 10 things that drive most of us up the wall and give us the most satiating reveals that we have ever sought.

Our guest in this small office is Apple Honeydust (not a real name) who has a severe case of hypersexuality, or in the laymen’s term, complete and total boing-boing bang-bang needs.

OC: So Mrs. Honeydust, can you tell us about yourself?

AH: Certainly can darling, and by the way, it’s Miss.

OC: Good news for me and all our readers out there.

AH: (giggles in brief shriek) Well I have a very active pussy that causes me to orgasm even at the slightest vibration and I have this excessive urge to suck and fuck. I can’t help myself. I want as much as possible.

OC: Damn, I think it just got hot in here. You get a lot of takers?

AH: Surprisingly no, too many men are pussies and don’t like a woman that knows how to pleasure massive amounts of cock.

OC: Yeah, plus with all the sick diseases out there, you never can be too careful. I mean, some of our most epic pornographic actors and actresses died off from those diseases and others just shuffle down the road.

AH: Well, I’m clean. I get checked every other day.

OC: Okay, before I starting asking for physical paperwork proving that, let’s get along with the Q&A.

AH: It’s your party, baby.

OC: Right. So Question Number One = Do you ever get tired of being hypersexual?

AH: Get tired of sex? NEVER! I have been trying to find a man who can keep up with me and I want to keep searching for him through the mountains of dick that I have to look through. I don’t have time to get tired!

OC: Trust me, after this interview I’m sure we can go head-to-head.

AH: I prefer head-in-hole.

OC: Same here. Okay, Question Number Two = Does your family feel ashamed that you are a hypersexual?

AH: No, they never really believed it was a serious condition until we visited a therapist and she diagnosed me as hypersexual. After that, my family came to terms with the fact that I love sex.

OC: Supporting family, sounds like an excellent foundation to fall back on.

AH: Well yeah, like a strong bedframe, a family is everything.

OC: The puns just keep coming, don’t they?

AH: I thought about becoming a comedian.

OC: What do you do, anyway?

AH: I’m self-employed.

OC: Love to delve further into that, but…Question Number Three = If there was a hypersexual dinosaur, what do you think it would be called?

AH: A Nymphosaurus!

OC: Ahh, I’m surprised they haven’t found that bitch out yet. Okay so Question Number Four = Do you think Hypersexuals are more prone to condom use or bareback?

AH: Well, speaking from personal opinion, I’m a fan of feeling throbbing smooth dick inside my soaking pink poon, but several people are more interested in gloving-up so I’d say…major nymphos don’t care.

OC: Thank you for that descriptive answer. I do believe that you are meeting Tapped requirements. Might just be our Tapped Girl of the Month.

AH: I’ve not ever had such an honor. Thank you!

OC: Might…might be, nothing’s official right now.

AH: Awe, shoot. Okay, give me the next question.

OC: Question Number Five = What age did you first take a dick?

AH: 18. I was a senior. It was my first time in action with a person…instead of toys and other women.

OC: Wow!

AH: I know, you probably thought younger right?

OC: No, no, just that I’m surprised you didn’t wait till you were married.

AH: I’ve never been married. At least not yet.

OC: Well, that can change.

AH: Are you proposing?

OC: Hahahahahahaha, not in this decade, darling, but nothing’s off the table.

AH: I’ll hold you to that.

OC: I’ll let you. Okay, Question Number Six = Do you squirt when you cum like a lot of women do?

AH: I’ve never been pushed to that limit. But it’s a dream.

OC: I’m sure it’ll happen soon enough.

AH: If you’re going to keep up with these offers, we may just have to get down right here.

OC: I didn’t think your mind could be a nymphomaniac.

AH: I’m full of surprises.

OC: Well as long as you come up with the revelation that you have a dick before the sex, all surprises promise to be wild. Come up with an ad and we’ll run it.

AH: Wow…thanks! But I’m a rabbit hole downstairs, no cock here…yet.

OC: Alright, Question Number Seven = Does your religion cause you problems?

AH: Nah.

OC: Nah? No pun or sexy comebacks?

AH: Religion is not my favorite subject. The further we stay off it, the better.

OC: Sounds good to me. Okay, Question Number Eight = How big of a dick do you like?

AH: Big or small, wide of thin, massive cummers or small drops, black or white or yellow or Jewish or Catholic, I don’t give a flying-cunt-fuck, I just get the urges constantly and need them to be satisfied and I don’t give a shit. I want it. I need fucking. There’s nothing remotely real about having a small dick or a big dick…if you can use it, that’s what matters. You guys reading this need to stop letting your chicks lie to you and be proud of your cocks. Even you, Oliver!

OC: Whoa, whoa, I’ve never had complaints. I’m proud of what I’ve got.

AH: And it’s circumcised too.

OC: Hehe, yeah, it’s cut and clean.

AH: You’ve got it made.

OC: Alright, things are going good, Question Number Nine = If you had a million dollars, what would you buy?

AH: Dick. A million of them.

OC: At 50 cents a dick, I think you’d get twice as many.

AH: Want to be my dick accountant?

OC: Oh no, that stereotype doesn’t work on me, I’m bad with numbers.

AH: You can make up for it, otherwise.

OC: You’re meshugenah. Finally, Question Number Ten = Do you ever expect to stop being a nymphomaniac someday?

AH: I’ve thought about this question before. It’s not so much that I will stop being a nympho, but more that I’ll stop looking for a different dick every day. When I find that man who can meet my demands, I’ll be his nympho and promptly tell everyone else that I’m off the market. One hundred percent.

OC: That sounded like gripping honesty.

AH: That’s because it was.

OC: Well, that’s our ten questions. Apple, I want to thank you again for coming in and revealing so much about yourself. I know it couldn’t have been easy.

AH: It’s easier than you think.

OC: Hey, live free, be free.

AH: My life’s motto.

OC: So come up with the ad and I will definitely promote you for your journey for that hot shot just waiting to help you bang each others brains out. Thank you again!

AH: Thank you more, Oliver. It helps to get out in the world!

Alright everyone, that was Apple Honeydust, I hope that all had as much fun reading this as I had taking it down. Here’s to a good night and pleasant handjobs for all you dirty shits out there!

Intimidation Vs. Serious Business

Porn is one of the businesses that you can’t fuck around with. I mean, sure you get your goofy actors and your moron cameramen on occasion, but you don’t fuck around when it comes to the business, you’re in it to make money and that’s what matters most…besides the good pussy.

Take stupid people for instance.

Stupid people will take pride in the fact that they are stupid. They say one thing and then puss out of it. They try one thing and then puss out of it. They promise something and then puss out of it. It gets to a point that any attempt at them being serious turns into a laughable matter that you just can’t help but imagine breaking their dick off and shoving it down their throat until they cum on their lungs.

When you make pornography, you’re making it enjoyable for everyone. And while those niche bangers out there will probably get pissy over this statement, it has to be said:

NOT EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE SOMEONE BEND TO THEIR LIMITS.”

It’s a joke. It makes everything a joke. It makes the people look like jokes. It makes stupid people look smart. And worst of all, there’s nothing remotely watchable about the situation. It’s just a mess…

I’ve seen orgies with better value than most of that worthless shit. It’s a puss out. They puss out and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces or feel bad for them.

Here’s a piece of threatening advice: STOP PUSSING OUT YOU FUCKING CUNTS!

(On a more enthralling review, anyone catch the film, Deep Throat? Yeah, that famous film from the ’70s. It’s a real gem. Linda Lovelace and Harry Reems FTW!)

Start A Porn Company (Easy as 1,2,3)

So there is a lot of people out there who get the idea that “hey, I’ll film some serious fuck-action and then sell it to the masses for billions.”

Not likely.

However, if you want to take a shot at it, take a shot at figuring how to be the next Zalman King or Seymore Butts, I’m going to attach two links that can possibly help you out. And just to show you that I’m not plugging these sites shamelessly, I’m going to see about getting my own biz set up.

The first is an article from WikiHow, which over the years has taught me plenty of things, if though the majority I already had some basic knowledge of. Still, it’s surprising when you discover what they will roll out next:

http://www.wikihow.com/Create-an-Adult-Movie

The second, and possibly more helpful, article is for those who need a guide to starting a studio/business/basic needs. I’m going to be using it extensively in my attempt at filling the director’s chair:

http://startmyporncompany.com/

So take a big hit off the bong of porn and let’s get boned together.

(Also side-review, anything with Sasha Grey is definitely a win-win, however, just because it’s not my personal interest, she has gone into golden showers and toilet-licking. So despite those facts, I’m still granting her five stars. *****)

Why Can’t We Suck Ourselves Off?

It’s a simple enough question, isn’t it?

Why can’t life be easy and self-gratifying?

I mean, as life goes on and things get harder, sometimes I wonder if knees are going to break under the pressure of carrying the fuckin’ world on my back. Even now as I write this, I am wondering what is going on with mankind. The rich are running the world, the poor are pissing it away, and the nerds are needling their paths towards either direction. I can say that I fit into that middle portion.

Unfortunately, I can’t say that I have often tried to suck my own cock with much success. It’s just not a normal thing to do, unless your name is Ron and you come from New York…and even then, it only lasts for a while until time catches up with you. Oy gevalt…that’s why I often turn to pornography. It might be a hated subject, but you know, most good things in life are hated by the Conservative wingnuts who have little to say beyond, “YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

So, you may ask, how can we fix that issue??

Simple, such each other off and move along. It’s a dog-eat-dog world, but that doesn’t mean we have to go through life trying to stab out our friends. More so, we just stab out the freaks that hold their reigns over us and tell us to pull their plump tuchases around the world.

So I say let them tell me not to watch porn. I’ll do it with both middle fingers raised. If you think you can agree with that idea, then welcome aboard. If not,

FUCK YOU!

 

(Oh, and on a side-note, check out anything with Anthony Rosano, definitely a good friend and great adult star. *****)