Film Review: Private Lessons

Today is a beautiful day. Not really, it’s raining and it makes me sick tomy stomach to think that somewhere out there is someone getting better head than I’ve got in a lot of years.

Nonetheless, I was rewatching some of my favorite flicks that caused me to tug on my schlong and a good one came up, Private Lessons. You might remember it if you were a horny teen staying up late at night and itching for something to get off to. Fuck, I got off on the idea so much that I didn’t necessarily need to even find the flick or by the time I did, it was only the final 50% to cum.

Anyways, back to the bitch, this flick hit me in a way that nearly no skin-flick ever did. Matter of fact, this was my fucking dream when I was a kid. It’s essentially what every horny teen wants…an adult woman with a thirst to fill and guess what? YOU are the one who get’s to fill her up.

That’s right, statutory rape never looked good on screen until you watched Private Lessons and then, it was everyone’s dream. Didn’t matter if you were 14 or 40, you wanted to be molested by Sylvia Kristel. I mean, for fuck’s sake, check out the picture and tell me you honestly wouldn’t want to shtup that shiksa into oblivion!

So this kid is the son of some rich prick who decides to go off on a “business trip” and leaves his son under the watch of the bumbling limo driver and the sultry French maid (plays the niche so good, I think this might be the film that inspired a fucking line of costumes at every Spencer’s in America!) and, of course, his fucknut fat friend (played by ol’ Ed Begley, Jr.) who wants to totally be in his friend’s place.

So the maid is soon inviting this adorably innocent kid to watch her strip and then kiss and try to take some advantages with him. This kid, played possibly too innocent to be realistic, is unsure at first but as time goes on, he get’s with the program and I didn’t have to keep screaming “BE REAL AND BANG HER!”

And I mean this woman is the epitome of sex. She’s got the legs (ooooh, my fetish) and the tits and the accent and all the reasons why I hate American women.

If you’ve looked up the actress by now, you know she was no stranger to getting stark naked on camera and sometimes, smoking out of her twat. I can’t say this was in the film, ‘cuz it’s not, but it was colorful nonetheless.

Soon we learn that this dream-fuck-of-a-lifetime molestation is a sinister plot by the limo driver to blackmail the kid into making him a millionaire. There’s more to it, but I’m not about to spoil the fucking movie for you, you horny dog, go watch it for yourself!

So after this movie ended, the teenaged me was literally lost in a state of horny attraction for the French maid and for some reason, I was also attracted to the main character, an absolutely adorable guy (he’s older than I am now, so it’s not pedophilic) and I mean, I must have dreamed about this film a thousand times over. Still, took me forever to remember the name of it for the first five years after watching it, when I did though, whew, I think I broke the internet trying to find it.

Private Lessons, literally the best fantasy film ever made! Its got laughs, gasps and lots of Dutch gash!

*****

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